Living off a prayer

 

Hands up if you've seen your prayers answered before...?

Hands up if you haven't...?

It’s so wonderful when God answers our prayers, especially when it lines up with our desires. Oh what a feeling! The Lord heard my cry and he answered! 

But what about when he doesn't answer our prayer? 

Where's my future wife/husband? Why haven't I got that promotion? Why am I facing constant financial difficulty? Why am I still sick? To name but a few.

As a follower of Jesus this is a real conundrum. 

Maybe it’s my lack of faith. Maybe I didn't say the right words. Maybe my timing was off? 

The more common desires of life that we pray for: The spouse, the financial security, the job fulfilment, the healing of sickness. I've seen many Christians just live with these prayers not being answered. Not give up necessarily. But just get on with it. Don't get me wrong. There's often a fair bit of Israelites in the desert-esque grumbling. We're all guilty of that. But for the most part we suck it up and hope 'one day'. 

So when something out of the ordinary happens. Something tragic. Something life altering. That's when we desperately want to see our prayers answered. That's when we really pray.

But unanswered prayer as a Christian is really difficult. I know Jesus. I believe in the miraculous things he did in the Bible. Healing, raising people from the dead to name but a few. I believed just like the woman in Luke 8 that by just touching the hem of Jesus’ cloak, that was enough for complete healing. Having enough FAITH can bring healing. It’s such a challenge knowing that Jesus can do these things that when he doesn’t… following him, with all that life throws at you can be really tough. Especially when in the midst of suffering. 

When Amos went into cardiac arrest I've never prayed with more faith. In that adjacent room to where the nightmare was unfolding I was praying with such confidence. I wasn't particularly scared. I really really believed my son was going to be ok. Then we were called into that adjacent room. 

Surrounded by swarms of doctors and nurses, experts in their respective fields. I had faith contrary to what I saw before me. My beautiful boy. Not responding to CPR. For over an hour. They started the countdown. I started shouting something. I think it was "ok Amos, time to wake up!" I thought ok Lord, I see. You're going to do it now. In front of all these medical professionals. What a story. 5 seconds to go. Ok God, now would be a good time. Sit him up now please...

Then they stopped. A hand on the shoulder. "I'm so sorry"...

The shock. The disbelief. My son. My precious little boy. Was no longer alive.

In the hours that passed after Amos died I don't know what was harder to understand. The fact that I would never see or hear my son again or the fact that God had not answered my prayer. He had not saved the day. He was not the superhero I always thought he was. He had lost the battle. This was not a question of faith. I was so confident he would save Amos. I was sure of it. But here we were. What did this mean?

I have written already about my return to faith after this point. The amazing nearness and presence of God in the darkest of times. But you know what? My perspective on prayer has changed. In good ways but also in, I guess, confusing ways. I speak to God differently now. Less 'shopping lists' of what I would like in my life. Less words. I talk to God plainly. No pretence. He knows my heart’s desires already. He knows what I need. All he wants is relationship with us. Not our words, our heart. To speak the same way we speak to a spouse, a friend a parent. I get that now more than ever. Sometimes just to get me through the day. But what about healing? 

A dear friend of my mother in law was recently diagnosed with the return of breast cancer. Another dear friend has a brain tumour. I'm struggling to know how to pray. I want them to be healed. I almost need them to be healed to know that God is still God. (Even despite the huge amount of evidence I've seen in my Christian walk, including of my own heart). 

Before everything happened I would pray expectantly. Knowing God CAN and WILL heal. So how do I pray when I might not get the result I want? 

When Amos was first diagnosed with cancer right through to his final moments, hundreds maybe even thousands of people were praying for him. Friends, family, churches upon churches. Knowing this fact gave me such confidence. I was so touched. Surely God would do a miracle for all these faithful believers. What a story! So when Amos died I felt not just my faith break but the faith of all those believers too. How would they now feel? Why Lord? 

But those prayerful people continued to pray for us as a family. They prayed for peace, comfort, for us to hear God. 

Their prayers were answered. 

They prayed for a miracle. They got one. The fact I'm still here writing this blog declaring my faith, declaring my hope. Their prayers were answered.

If you're reading this and you were one of those prayerful people, from the bottom of my heart I thank you. You will never know what a difference your prayer made. God heard you and he answered. God bless you. 

So, I hold on to this. When I struggle knowing how to pray, when I know that it might not be answered how I want. I remember where I was. Where my family was. And how God answered those prayers of protection over us. Put people in our life to take care of us. We may not have seen a miracle of healing on this earth. But we have seen the miracle of Jesus. The miracle of just believing in him and following him leads us to eternity with him. Amos might not have been healed of his cancer. But he is free of it now. As he lives his very best life in heaven. Lungs without a tumour. Blood without leukaemia. He has found his miracle. 

So how do I pray? The truth is I'm not sure. I guess I will always have an agenda, a bias when I pray. Because with my human eyes I'm looking through a straw at the world. But God sees the whole picture. Why some prayers are answered and others not is Gods will. Something we will never truly understand until we see him face to face. 

Funnily enough though the Bible has an answer to how we should pray. In Matthew 6: 9-13 Jesus says this is how we should pray:

"Our Father in heaven, 

hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come.

Your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from the evil one."

As far as praying goes, when you just don't know what or how to pray, this is a pretty good prayer to live off. 

If we believe in God, we believe in prayer. We believe that prayer works: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philipians 4:6. However I’m learning that sometimes God doesn't answer my prayers as I desire. This is hard. This is sometimes desperately hurtful. But those prayers are never wasted. He hears them. He sees our faith. He upholds us through all of life's trials and tribulations. Even when he feels distant. The fact is there is always something greater at play here. Things that go beyond fallen human comprehension. But for those who struggle through unanswered prayer, those who persevere in faith, great is their reward. 

 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12. 

Praying in accordance with God's will is tough. It means we have to give up any sliver of control we mistakenly believe we have in a situation. Instead we trust God. No matter what the outcome may be. The months that have slipped away since Amos' passing have been so surreal. Some highs (or should I say 'mediums'...?) and some definite gut-wrenching lows. How I approach God in prayer has been a major part in that. How do I bring the big life decisions we have to make before God? What if I don't like the answer after everything that has happened? What if God says nothing at all? What about those people who are seriously ill? 

It's so easy to get fixated on that view of the world through our straw. So easy to get angry at God at our own short sightedness. Often we miss out on things God is doing in the here and now because of that. Even if we're looking through the most powerful telescope rather than a straw, it still pales in comparison to God's view. That's a real big picture with trillions of tiny puzzle pieces. But God has revealed a big part of that picture. Forget the bricks, he's shown us the cornerstone of the tallest tower. His son Jesus. 

When I don't know what to pray I'm reminded to pray in the context of Jesus. We may feel like we're losing the battle when in fact it's already won. Those desperate prayers may be answered. Maybe they won’t. But as much as we think we are the authors of our lives we're not. The more control we desire over our lives the harder our hearts become. I had zero control over the death of my boy. I am realising I can’t control the aftermath either. The horrible dark days. The fogginess of my future, the unbearable pain of loss. But I can turn to Jesus. Who's with me through it all. 

Do I always do that? No. Sometimes I need to lament. Be angry at God. Turn away from him. Does that last for very long? No… I can’t walk this valley without my protective gear. I can’t walk this valley without my source of energy. And I can’t walk this valley without my end goal. 

If you're reading this and you're at your wits end, waiting for the incoming straw that broke the proverbial camel's back please know you can do this. Whatever it is you're facing. If it's a big deal to you it's an even bigger deal to God. He's with you. Silently sitting by your side or loudly pushing you forward. I'm saying this to myself as much as anyone. 

Unanswered prayer is hard. Really really hard. I'm searching for a lot of answers right now and many of those are being met with silence. But in the meantime I'm living off Jesus' prayer:

Your kingdom come. Your will be done.